**A THAI HOOKER NAMED BO ALERTZ** Wow, the Upper East Side antics crashed right into 2009 last night. It’s been almost a month since we had our last fix of Gossip. There’s so much to get caught up on, so grab your hawt chocolate and claim a perch on Park Avenue ’cause the past is always right there, ready to eff up the present.

Srsly, I swear I feel so outta practice writing Teevz! I hope I totally didn’t loose my touch! Okay, let’s get right to the scoop we’ve all been waiting for… Lily and Rufus’ love child. Is she or is he? YES, the babe-inz did a poppinz and it’s a he… A 20 yr old HE to be exact. Rufus is on a hot mission to fulfill his paternal rights. Hmm, I spell a private investigator plot device. So, I wanna know what actor you’d love to see play Roofz Sr? If you say Shia LaBeouf I’m gonna vom. Also, Serena totes dumped ARose 4 mins into their Argentina extravaganza. Tick tock, tick tock, called it. Once the dust settled on 2008, Lonely Boy and Sereenz were right back in the saddle and keen on a mission to find out what the hull happened btwn their P’s (see above love child). Dan found out the truth but Serena has to wait… It’s a special moment saved for a Mother and her daughter. But will sharing a sibling be too much for our fave gorge luvahs? I fear so…

Chuck’s back from his Thailand bender and as wasted as ever. Um, who smokes hash in the middle of the student union anyway… Who cares if it’s a smoother high, that Rat BASStard is free falling. B’Witch is trying everything she can to get thru to that numbskull. Even if it means ditching her Colony Club sweater matrons… But her sequined collar cardigan was 2-die. Once WTFChuck almost fell of the roof of Victrola in a drunken stupor, he sobered up in B’Witches’ willing embrace. But wassup with WTFC’s Uncle Jack? I smell trubz and an affair with Blair, you know it. Oh c’mon, don’t be a prude… It’s the Upper East Side and sex is a weapon.

And finally Little J Jenny Humphrey is back at St. Constance and ready for some betch-slapping. Payback’s a betch ladies. Jenny’s suddenly the patron saint of Nelly Yuki, protecting her from the mean girls club, that is until we find out Nelly’s just playing Jenny…. But her blue taped-up Cupid‘s were fiercee! At least Jenny and Eric still have each other… And Uncle Jack?!? Crickets on the whole Nate and Vanessa scene… Okay peeps, stay tuned next week for the announcement of Deady Bass’s last will and testament! Sadly, yours truly will be out for the next 2 weeks on a vacay to Costa Rica. I’ll miss all you Gossips fiercely, but Jen will take great care of your Upper East Side needs. And be sure to leave her lots of Gossip… Or else…